Finally, a breath.

Dear Reader,

I confess my blogging presence (and to be honest at times-my physical and emotional presence) has been rather absent these past months. I believe I was in a season of trial and testing-it's been a while of sinking into certain depths, but more recently God's gracious hand has been slowly pulling me back to the surface again, and He is slowly showing me the glorious reasons and purposes behind it all-and boy these revelations are beautiful!

So that's my attempt at a concise reshuffle us into the present tense.

One of the big picture lessons goes like this.

Part I: the human experience
As broken humanity, we struggle. Sometimes it's not in an identifiable 'major' way. Sometimes, we don't seem to have any 'good reason' to make sense of our struggles. We know we're fortunate enough not to need to endure the horrendous injustice of people halfway across the world like starvation or human trafficking...or illness such as cancer...or disability like blindness or being born without arms or legs. Yet...our hearts are burdened still.

Sometimes, it's just in the daily way. Somewhere in between the getting up, gobbling breakfast, rushing to work, replying some overdue emails and texts on the bus, sifting through information, interacting with colleagues, trying to stay awake after lunch, going home, doing some last minute grocery shopping as you think to yourself what's the quickest and easiest yet somehow nutritious thing you can make for dinner, going home and realising you forgot to do your laundry and you really need clothes for tomorrow, cooking, doing the dishes, showering, sighing as you realise you neglected exercise again, cramming some work/study stuff, getting ready for bed, wasting some precious sleep time surfacing the internet and then finally sleeping (but not really because you're worrying about tomorrow/where this is all heading)...

somewhere in between all that...our hearts have grown weary and exhausted. But we can't hear it's cry because it is too soft and our daily comings and goings are too loud. sometimes-for a brief moment-we are aware that something inside is hurting and broken...but we don't dwell, because well, who has time to think about these things anyways? I'm doing fine, I'm functioning. I'm getting by. There are people who are less fortunate than me. Life moves on. But...before we know it, the soft cries stop. we have suffocated the heart.

*Interval*:  feel free to stop here if you're content with this cycle of life-or if you can't relate, if you don't see anything wrong with this picture, or if you just don't agree. But God's big lesson to me comes after the interval. The exciting part, the climax, the resolution is yet to come!

Before I begin: THIS IS NOT GOD'S WAY. This was not how God designed us to live when He created the heavens and the earth in the beginning. When He made us in his image-and saw that what He made was very good.

So the question arises, what is God's way? How did He design us to live then?

Part II: Glimpses into God''s way (coming soon)

Prayer from 19 August-Lord give me your grace

Oh Father,

I come before you broken and lost and weak and hungry and confused and a fool and a sinner and ashamed and weary and burdened and tired and exhausted and at a loss. Where have you been oh Lord? I have missed your loving embrace, I have tried (with what little strength I have) to lift my eyes a little to you, but was met by silence. Thus I continued to lie, broken and estranged from you by the side of the road, on the wide road that leads to destruction. Tossed and pushed forward by the currents of this world, edging closer and closer to the grave and rotting away in my sin. Accused by satan and choked by guilt and shame. I no longer wanted the light, darkness was my closer friend. I could not bear to think of you who is holy and perfect and light and almighty. I wanted only to remain cut off from you-you were too majestic, I felt too hopeless, I felt more than halfway towards the darkness, my strength gone, how could I possibly seek you, to stand, to run in the opposite direction? God you know that I am but a breath-how can I love you when my heart is a stone?

The chains of sin and shame were shackled around me again…I was a slave again, I had forgotten your everlasting love. I had forgotten how you had set me free, I had forgotten your goodness. In my mind, satan had showed me only darkness and cold and alienation. I was convinced I was lost forever. I would read of your ‘unfailing love’, the psalms that commanded me to praise you were but a stumbling block describing a joy I did not have.

Oh Lord how I have forgotten!

·         Your will is not for me to be downcast, but to be filled with joy

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

·         I am not under the law, my failures and incompetence do not stand in the way anymore, because I stand in your grace

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

·         It is not your will to be far from me, for us to be apart, but to be completely and intimately reconciled and present with me

“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). Matthew:1:23 

 “And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” Romans 8:11

Finally, you have heard and answered my plea:

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12

God I cannot and do not want to live without you by my side. I need you to fill me to the brim with your love and joy until I am overflowing-until your love is flooding into everything I do and say. If you do not, I will merely wonder aimlessly around this earth, wasting these days of precious life and cold and miserable, utterly empty and inclined to turn back towards my sinful ways. Give me your grace and word and power to obey, to follow, to learn to love. All I can do is ask this of you-I can do nothing else. Oh Lord please give me your grace, I have nothing.

confessions of a hungry heart

We were created, by tender, loving hands. Carefully crafted by a Creator so much bigger and greater than us. On the sixth day God made man in his own, glorious image. He set  mankind's feet upon the earth, and breathed life into him. Inside this little man, He placed a smaller still, beating heart.

With this heart, we were made to know Him, to love Him, to treasure Him, to worship Him. Because He loved us first, we would find our greatest joy, hope, love, peace, rest, fulfilment in Him alone. We were His, He was ours.

But we didn't want Him-and we don't. Enter sin-into the human heart. Oh-but we want the joy, the hope, the love, the peace, the rest, the fulfilment...but not in Him. I don't need you God. I will find satisfaction in other things. and so the hunt begins.

Money, power, success, approval, glory, qualifications, possessions, clothes, cars. food, technology. make-up, appearance, beauty, charm, personality, eloquence, skills, abilities, gifts, status, grades, career, my good deeds, my friends, my family, my church, my ministry, a spouse, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, sex, health, travel, work experience, music, art, academic knowledge, age, youth, pet, celebrities, movies, t.v shows, facebook, youtube, myself...anything, anything but you God.

"They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator." -Romans 1:25

and all the while our heart has broken. Somewhere along the lines while we were too busy stuffing ourselves and chasing the wind. death and emptiness has afflicted the human heart. we have debased our worship. the objects of our love have fallen far below. Our heart has become perpetually hungry, hungry for something more, for something greater, for someone greater-our perfect Creator.

(I'm unsure how to finish this, or whether I need to)...maybe I'll just leave a question. Will I cling to this worthless idol and remain desperately thirsty? Or will I let go, return to my Heavenly Father, and be deeply nourished once again by the embrace of his perfect love? 

The shift may hurt. a lot. but no more than if you chose not to.

The Giver

Two recent lessons about giving:

1. We enjoy Gods gifts more when we enjoy Him (the giver)  most.

Found that when my heart began the day rejoicing in God, moments around me throughout the day seemed so much more beautiful and enjoyable. Eating at a cafe with mum and sis outside in the freezing cold and rain, flavours, a busker making music, the sun, gloves...

2. We can give nothing to God that was not already his...even our life, even our life belongs to God.

"David praised the Lord in the presence of the whole assembly, saying, “Praise be to you, Lord, the God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name. 

“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand. We are foreigners and strangers in your sight, as were all our ancestors. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope. Lord our God, all this abundance that we have provided for building you a temple for your Holy Name comes from your hand, and all of it belongs to you. (‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭29‬:‭10-16‬ NIV)

Prayer from 14 June 2014

Dear God,

Thankyou for my eyes so that I can see,

thankyou for my glasses so that I can see clearer,

and thankyou for the Holy Spirit so that I can see Jesus.

"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come."
John 16:13

:/

It's one thing to live with someone you hate,

It's another when this person is yourself.

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7:24)

Anointed

Anoint: to dedicate to the service of God.

"Now this I know: The Lord gives victory to his anointed. 

He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary 

with the victorious power of his right hand. 

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, 

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. 

They are brought to their knees and fall, 

but we rise up and stand firm. 

Lord, give victory to the king!

 Answer us when we call! 

(Psalm 20:6-9 NIV)

Oh what a privilege, what a joy!