Above all

Recently in a sermon, I was reminded of the importance of thanksgiving in prayer-are there corners in my life that I fail to bring to God in prayer? Especially in thanksgiving? I decided to do a mind map of all the main areas of my life I could give thanks to God for:

This morning however, I was reminded of how we are to take up our cross daily, and offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to the Lord as our spiritual act of worship. I looked across my mind map again and asked myself: am I willing to surrender all these things for the sake of following Christ? Would I say with Paul,

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him... 

I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

(Philippians 3:7-11)

How much do I long to "simply" know Christ? Would I consider every other blessing in my life a loss compared to this surpassing greatness? How often do our blessings become a distraction rather than a good gift from God increasing our worship of the giver-when we fail to love him above it all?

I put a rectangle around the blessing on my mind map that could never ever be taken away from me. That is-the love of God and my relationship with Him. May I surrender all other things into his hands, that I may follow and gain Christ.

#lifeofanintrovert

There are (quiet) riches found in words that have been thoughtfully formulated and expressed in what has been written that is waiting to be discovered…by everyone? Introverts-I am talking to you. While extroverts are busy going out and socialising and doing what extroverts do, we (introverts) may find we have a different calling.

Maybe it’s to travel back in time and listen to the written wisdom of saints of old (I am talking about reading), or to meditate on melodies until a new song pours forth from our soul, or to gaze upon the beauty of the earth and create: a picture, a story, a poem, a video, to capture the glimpses of glory to share with the world.

We may read. We may write. We may reflect and create. Whatever it is, pursue that inner calling-for this is how you were meant to experience and respond to the presence of God in this world. 

The first and second of February

The first:
Jesus you've completely changed my life. Since knowing you, you have turned my world completely upside down. I've spent most of my life without you and not knowing you, there are still so many things I need to learn. I feel the burden of not being raised in a Christian family. My thinking and heart have been warped and darkened by sin for so long. Your words and way of life are so foreign to me sometimes, even if I really want to follow, there are lies and tangles of sin deep in me that draw me back from you. Lord I don't know what to do, I can't even cling to myself because so many things about me are simply slipping. Help me to cling to you, the rock eternal. But you can make all things new. From my heart make me your new creation, created to be like Christ in true righteousness and holiness. 

The second:
I want to, but I simply cannot pretend that nothing happened. I cannot just slip back into things here and carry on business as usual. I just don't feel comfortable here anymore. I don't see things the way I used to. The people I loved are but an echo now. I can't go back. And I just want to stop and be still, but I'll need to move one day, otherwise I'll just float here in limbo unable to let go of the past and embrace the wonderful future God has in store for me. Why do I find it so hard to trust my Heavenly Father? Why do I struggle to believe that He is always good? Why do I think that he is not generous, loving or willing enough to shower me with blessing. I've told myself that he desires my hurt as an end in itself rather than the means to greater blessings.

Prayer-from a place unknown

Father God

How did I get here? Just a year ago everything felt so safe and secure and cosy. I had my school friends, my best friend beside me, my youth group there week in week out, the world felt small and manageable. I felt optimistic and content. I looked into the future with starry eyes and a hopeful heart. 

But you weren't content with my heart. There were things you wanted to show me that I couldn't see if I stayed in the warm cocoon. So step by step you took me further from the land of familiar until now I find myself to have wondered so far that I couldn't even return if I wanted to. 

Somewhere along the way you've changed the desires and longings of my heart, you've started to break away the layers of sin and self that were suffocating me, and my knees have felt weak and I've crumbled in new humility. 

Father I look around and everything is foreign. Without realising, I find myself in a place where I cannot recognise a single thing. Everything I knew is gone now, left a thousand steps behind. The only thing that keeps me going is you- the fact that you're holding my hand and leading me home, that somehow amidst everything you have a purpose. That these steps aren't just arbitrary and meaningless. But that in everything you are drawing me closer to yourself and conforming me to the image of your perfect son.

Do I miss them? Do I miss walking alongside them? So much my Lord. And seeing them continue to grow makes me realise how great you are but also how far the distance between us has grown.

I can't tell if I've progressed or just gone backwards, but when I look-all I know is that everything is different now. I need you now more than ever, because when everything else I have known has gone, you are all I know-and Lord, I praise you because you are so beautiful.

A prayer-In silent surrender

Father God,

I had no idea it would be this hard, that it would hurt this much, that surrender to you would make me feel so afraid and unsettled and lost. When I look back to the past- my friends, experiences, joys...I feel a bit like it was a time long lost and past, and that I was a completely different person. I can't explain how or why, but I just feel so...so...different now. I feel like so many of the bits and pieces that defined who I was are gone now. I feel like the world is gushing around me yet inwardly I am still, and weak, and broken, and you are there, and you are calling me to trust you. I want to. I want to reach out and take your hand...but...

God I'm afraid. I'm scared what that will look like, I'm scared I won't be strong enough to follow you and do the things you tell me to do, I'm scared that everything will be unfamiliar, and that you'll take me to unknown places where you're the only one I know and who knows me, I'm scared that I won't be able to stand against the lies of satan, I'm scared that the waves of this world will crush me and that I will fall and sin and turn against you. I'm scared to let go of all the people I love. I'm scared of wanting things or relationships...for they can easily be taken from me just as you gave them to me.

Yet...I know that the far scarier thing is to be wise in my own eyes, for this will only lead to destruction. Where could be a safer place than in the shadow of your wings? If my life is now hidden in Christ, there should be no need to fear. Please give me the strength to drink whatever cup you place before me, because somewhere in my heart, I know and believe that you know best, that you are good, trustworthy, faithful, mighty. That you make all things work together for my good, that your love endures forever, that you want to give me fullness of joy, peace, hope and ultimately eternal life-for this was always your will.

There's no turning back now, I can't go backwards to my old ways, to my old self, to the ways I used to do things and think with my naivety and care-freeness. I can't go back because I've let go of those former things, joys.

So my question is-what now? Where to from here? I know you will reveal things in your perfect timing, but in the time being-grant me patience and faith to look to and hope for things still unseen. Lord, surrender is lonely. Thankyou that you, of all people, know and can empathise with this. For in the garden of Gethsemane, even your bestest friends left your side, and soon the Father would forsake you. Thankyou that Jesus endured a horrible separation from the Father that I will never have to endure. Thankyou that Jesus bore a loneliness in the grave that I will never know because of your great, great love for me. Thankyou that no matter how alone I feel where you call me to walk, I will never be alone because by the blood of Christ you have poured out your love into my heart so that you are always always with me.

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

-Psalm 139

...My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.

Hiding beneath your wings

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing."
(‭Matthew‬ ‭23‬:‭37‬)

Too often we are the little chick trying to be strong and brave, toughing it out in the wilderness alone. We stray from Jesus-our mother hen-'We don't need you.'

But where we expected freedom and fullness of life, we have fallen over, become anxious, afraid, broken and lost. A little chick needs the nurture, care and protection of its mother. 

How long will we stay unwilling? Rejecting Gods loving embrace? Maybe it's not something we actively think about, but our rejection of God is more than just harmful to ourselves, it gives God (the creator of the Heavens and the Earth) great grief and sorrow. "Jerusalem Jerusalem...How often I have longed to gather your children together..." Return little chick, and take shelter in the shadow of His wings.

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep. 

You, Lord, preserve both people and animals. How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light."

 (‭Psalm‬ ‭36‬:‭5-9‬ NIV)

P.s Thankyou to my friends who have encouraged me to keep blogging :)

*updated thoughts since yesterday

• Gather means to bring together in one group from a variety of places. God desires us as people to gather together under the headship of Christ- (such as at church, in fellowship with each other or in marriage)

Thoughts?

Finally, a breath.

Dear Reader,

I confess my blogging presence (and to be honest at times-my physical and emotional presence) has been rather absent these past months. I believe I was in a season of trial and testing-it's been a while of sinking into certain depths, but more recently God's gracious hand has been slowly pulling me back to the surface again, and He is slowly showing me the glorious reasons and purposes behind it all-and boy these revelations are beautiful!

So that's my attempt at a concise reshuffle us into the present tense.

One of the big picture lessons goes like this.

Part I: the human experience
As broken humanity, we struggle. Sometimes it's not in an identifiable 'major' way. Sometimes, we don't seem to have any 'good reason' to make sense of our struggles. We know we're fortunate enough not to need to endure the horrendous injustice of people halfway across the world like starvation or human trafficking...or illness such as cancer...or disability like blindness or being born without arms or legs. Yet...our hearts are burdened still.

Sometimes, it's just in the daily way. Somewhere in between the getting up, gobbling breakfast, rushing to work, replying some overdue emails and texts on the bus, sifting through information, interacting with colleagues, trying to stay awake after lunch, going home, doing some last minute grocery shopping as you think to yourself what's the quickest and easiest yet somehow nutritious thing you can make for dinner, going home and realising you forgot to do your laundry and you really need clothes for tomorrow, cooking, doing the dishes, showering, sighing as you realise you neglected exercise again, cramming some work/study stuff, getting ready for bed, wasting some precious sleep time surfacing the internet and then finally sleeping (but not really because you're worrying about tomorrow/where this is all heading)...

somewhere in between all that...our hearts have grown weary and exhausted. But we can't hear it's cry because it is too soft and our daily comings and goings are too loud. sometimes-for a brief moment-we are aware that something inside is hurting and broken...but we don't dwell, because well, who has time to think about these things anyways? I'm doing fine, I'm functioning. I'm getting by. There are people who are less fortunate than me. Life moves on. But...before we know it, the soft cries stop. we have suffocated the heart.

*Interval*:  feel free to stop here if you're content with this cycle of life-or if you can't relate, if you don't see anything wrong with this picture, or if you just don't agree. But God's big lesson to me comes after the interval. The exciting part, the climax, the resolution is yet to come!

Before I begin: THIS IS NOT GOD'S WAY. This was not how God designed us to live when He created the heavens and the earth in the beginning. When He made us in his image-and saw that what He made was very good.

So the question arises, what is God's way? How did He design us to live then?

Part II: Glimpses into God''s way (coming soon)