Prayer-from a place unknown

Father God

How did I get here? Just a year ago everything felt so safe and secure and cosy. I had my school friends, my best friend beside me, my youth group there week in week out, the world felt small and manageable. I felt optimistic and content. I looked into the future with starry eyes and a hopeful heart. 

But you weren't content with my heart. There were things you wanted to show me that I couldn't see if I stayed in the warm cocoon. So step by step you took me further from the land of familiar until now I find myself to have wondered so far that I couldn't even return if I wanted to. 

Somewhere along the way you've changed the desires and longings of my heart, you've started to break away the layers of sin and self that were suffocating me, and my knees have felt weak and I've crumbled in new humility. 

Father I look around and everything is foreign. Without realising, I find myself in a place where I cannot recognise a single thing. Everything I knew is gone now, left a thousand steps behind. The only thing that keeps me going is you- the fact that you're holding my hand and leading me home, that somehow amidst everything you have a purpose. That these steps aren't just arbitrary and meaningless. But that in everything you are drawing me closer to yourself and conforming me to the image of your perfect son.

Do I miss them? Do I miss walking alongside them? So much my Lord. And seeing them continue to grow makes me realise how great you are but also how far the distance between us has grown.

I can't tell if I've progressed or just gone backwards, but when I look-all I know is that everything is different now. I need you now more than ever, because when everything else I have known has gone, you are all I know-and Lord, I praise you because you are so beautiful.

A prayer-In silent surrender

Father God,

I had no idea it would be this hard, that it would hurt this much, that surrender to you would make me feel so afraid and unsettled and lost. When I look back to the past- my friends, experiences, joys...I feel a bit like it was a time long lost and past, and that I was a completely different person. I can't explain how or why, but I just feel so...so...different now. I feel like so many of the bits and pieces that defined who I was are gone now. I feel like the world is gushing around me yet inwardly I am still, and weak, and broken, and you are there, and you are calling me to trust you. I want to. I want to reach out and take your hand...but...

God I'm afraid. I'm scared what that will look like, I'm scared I won't be strong enough to follow you and do the things you tell me to do, I'm scared that everything will be unfamiliar, and that you'll take me to unknown places where you're the only one I know and who knows me, I'm scared that I won't be able to stand against the lies of satan, I'm scared that the waves of this world will crush me and that I will fall and sin and turn against you. I'm scared to let go of all the people I love. I'm scared of wanting things or relationships...for they can easily be taken from me just as you gave them to me.

Yet...I know that the far scarier thing is to be wise in my own eyes, for this will only lead to destruction. Where could be a safer place than in the shadow of your wings? If my life is now hidden in Christ, there should be no need to fear. Please give me the strength to drink whatever cup you place before me, because somewhere in my heart, I know and believe that you know best, that you are good, trustworthy, faithful, mighty. That you make all things work together for my good, that your love endures forever, that you want to give me fullness of joy, peace, hope and ultimately eternal life-for this was always your will.

There's no turning back now, I can't go backwards to my old ways, to my old self, to the ways I used to do things and think with my naivety and care-freeness. I can't go back because I've let go of those former things, joys.

So my question is-what now? Where to from here? I know you will reveal things in your perfect timing, but in the time being-grant me patience and faith to look to and hope for things still unseen. Lord, surrender is lonely. Thankyou that you, of all people, know and can empathise with this. For in the garden of Gethsemane, even your bestest friends left your side, and soon the Father would forsake you. Thankyou that Jesus endured a horrible separation from the Father that I will never have to endure. Thankyou that Jesus bore a loneliness in the grave that I will never know because of your great, great love for me. Thankyou that no matter how alone I feel where you call me to walk, I will never be alone because by the blood of Christ you have poured out your love into my heart so that you are always always with me.

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

-Psalm 139

...My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.

Hiding beneath your wings

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing."
(‭Matthew‬ ‭23‬:‭37‬)

Too often we are the little chick trying to be strong and brave, toughing it out in the wilderness alone. We stray from Jesus-our mother hen-'We don't need you.'

But where we expected freedom and fullness of life, we have fallen over, become anxious, afraid, broken and lost. A little chick needs the nurture, care and protection of its mother. 

How long will we stay unwilling? Rejecting Gods loving embrace? Maybe it's not something we actively think about, but our rejection of God is more than just harmful to ourselves, it gives God (the creator of the Heavens and the Earth) great grief and sorrow. "Jerusalem Jerusalem...How often I have longed to gather your children together..." Return little chick, and take shelter in the shadow of His wings.

"Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep. 

You, Lord, preserve both people and animals. How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light."

 (‭Psalm‬ ‭36‬:‭5-9‬ NIV)

P.s Thankyou to my friends who have encouraged me to keep blogging :)

*updated thoughts since yesterday

• Gather means to bring together in one group from a variety of places. God desires us as people to gather together under the headship of Christ- (such as at church, in fellowship with each other or in marriage)

Thoughts?

Finally, a breath.

Dear Reader,

I confess my blogging presence (and to be honest at times-my physical and emotional presence) has been rather absent these past months. I believe I was in a season of trial and testing-it's been a while of sinking into certain depths, but more recently God's gracious hand has been slowly pulling me back to the surface again, and He is slowly showing me the glorious reasons and purposes behind it all-and boy these revelations are beautiful!

So that's my attempt at a concise reshuffle us into the present tense.

One of the big picture lessons goes like this.

Part I: the human experience
As broken humanity, we struggle. Sometimes it's not in an identifiable 'major' way. Sometimes, we don't seem to have any 'good reason' to make sense of our struggles. We know we're fortunate enough not to need to endure the horrendous injustice of people halfway across the world like starvation or human trafficking...or illness such as cancer...or disability like blindness or being born without arms or legs. Yet...our hearts are burdened still.

Sometimes, it's just in the daily way. Somewhere in between the getting up, gobbling breakfast, rushing to work, replying some overdue emails and texts on the bus, sifting through information, interacting with colleagues, trying to stay awake after lunch, going home, doing some last minute grocery shopping as you think to yourself what's the quickest and easiest yet somehow nutritious thing you can make for dinner, going home and realising you forgot to do your laundry and you really need clothes for tomorrow, cooking, doing the dishes, showering, sighing as you realise you neglected exercise again, cramming some work/study stuff, getting ready for bed, wasting some precious sleep time surfacing the internet and then finally sleeping (but not really because you're worrying about tomorrow/where this is all heading)...

somewhere in between all that...our hearts have grown weary and exhausted. But we can't hear it's cry because it is too soft and our daily comings and goings are too loud. sometimes-for a brief moment-we are aware that something inside is hurting and broken...but we don't dwell, because well, who has time to think about these things anyways? I'm doing fine, I'm functioning. I'm getting by. There are people who are less fortunate than me. Life moves on. But...before we know it, the soft cries stop. we have suffocated the heart.

*Interval*:  feel free to stop here if you're content with this cycle of life-or if you can't relate, if you don't see anything wrong with this picture, or if you just don't agree. But God's big lesson to me comes after the interval. The exciting part, the climax, the resolution is yet to come!

Before I begin: THIS IS NOT GOD'S WAY. This was not how God designed us to live when He created the heavens and the earth in the beginning. When He made us in his image-and saw that what He made was very good.

So the question arises, what is God's way? How did He design us to live then?

Part II: Glimpses into God''s way (coming soon)

Prayer from 19 August-Lord give me your grace

Oh Father,

I come before you broken and lost and weak and hungry and confused and a fool and a sinner and ashamed and weary and burdened and tired and exhausted and at a loss. Where have you been oh Lord? I have missed your loving embrace, I have tried (with what little strength I have) to lift my eyes a little to you, but was met by silence. Thus I continued to lie, broken and estranged from you by the side of the road, on the wide road that leads to destruction. Tossed and pushed forward by the currents of this world, edging closer and closer to the grave and rotting away in my sin. Accused by satan and choked by guilt and shame. I no longer wanted the light, darkness was my closer friend. I could not bear to think of you who is holy and perfect and light and almighty. I wanted only to remain cut off from you-you were too majestic, I felt too hopeless, I felt more than halfway towards the darkness, my strength gone, how could I possibly seek you, to stand, to run in the opposite direction? God you know that I am but a breath-how can I love you when my heart is a stone?

The chains of sin and shame were shackled around me again…I was a slave again, I had forgotten your everlasting love. I had forgotten how you had set me free, I had forgotten your goodness. In my mind, satan had showed me only darkness and cold and alienation. I was convinced I was lost forever. I would read of your ‘unfailing love’, the psalms that commanded me to praise you were but a stumbling block describing a joy I did not have.

Oh Lord how I have forgotten!

·         Your will is not for me to be downcast, but to be filled with joy

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

·         I am not under the law, my failures and incompetence do not stand in the way anymore, because I stand in your grace

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

·         It is not your will to be far from me, for us to be apart, but to be completely and intimately reconciled and present with me

“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). Matthew:1:23 

 “And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” Romans 8:11

Finally, you have heard and answered my plea:

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12

God I cannot and do not want to live without you by my side. I need you to fill me to the brim with your love and joy until I am overflowing-until your love is flooding into everything I do and say. If you do not, I will merely wonder aimlessly around this earth, wasting these days of precious life and cold and miserable, utterly empty and inclined to turn back towards my sinful ways. Give me your grace and word and power to obey, to follow, to learn to love. All I can do is ask this of you-I can do nothing else. Oh Lord please give me your grace, I have nothing.

confessions of a hungry heart

We were created, by tender, loving hands. Carefully crafted by a Creator so much bigger and greater than us. On the sixth day God made man in his own, glorious image. He set  mankind's feet upon the earth, and breathed life into him. Inside this little man, He placed a smaller still, beating heart.

With this heart, we were made to know Him, to love Him, to treasure Him, to worship Him. Because He loved us first, we would find our greatest joy, hope, love, peace, rest, fulfilment in Him alone. We were His, He was ours.

But we didn't want Him-and we don't. Enter sin-into the human heart. Oh-but we want the joy, the hope, the love, the peace, the rest, the fulfilment...but not in Him. I don't need you God. I will find satisfaction in other things. and so the hunt begins.

Money, power, success, approval, glory, qualifications, possessions, clothes, cars. food, technology. make-up, appearance, beauty, charm, personality, eloquence, skills, abilities, gifts, status, grades, career, my good deeds, my friends, my family, my church, my ministry, a spouse, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, sex, health, travel, work experience, music, art, academic knowledge, age, youth, pet, celebrities, movies, t.v shows, facebook, youtube, myself...anything, anything but you God.

"They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator." -Romans 1:25

and all the while our heart has broken. Somewhere along the lines while we were too busy stuffing ourselves and chasing the wind. death and emptiness has afflicted the human heart. we have debased our worship. the objects of our love have fallen far below. Our heart has become perpetually hungry, hungry for something more, for something greater, for someone greater-our perfect Creator.

(I'm unsure how to finish this, or whether I need to)...maybe I'll just leave a question. Will I cling to this worthless idol and remain desperately thirsty? Or will I let go, return to my Heavenly Father, and be deeply nourished once again by the embrace of his perfect love? 

The shift may hurt. a lot. but no more than if you chose not to.

The Giver

Two recent lessons about giving:

1. We enjoy Gods gifts more when we enjoy Him (the giver)  most.

Found that when my heart began the day rejoicing in God, moments around me throughout the day seemed so much more beautiful and enjoyable. Eating at a cafe with mum and sis outside in the freezing cold and rain, flavours, a busker making music, the sun, gloves...

2. We can give nothing to God that was not already his...even our life, even our life belongs to God.

"David praised the Lord in the presence of the whole assembly, saying, “Praise be to you, Lord, the God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name. 

“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand. We are foreigners and strangers in your sight, as were all our ancestors. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope. Lord our God, all this abundance that we have provided for building you a temple for your Holy Name comes from your hand, and all of it belongs to you. (‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭29‬:‭10-16‬ NIV)

Prayer from 14 June 2014

Dear God,

Thankyou for my eyes so that I can see,

thankyou for my glasses so that I can see clearer,

and thankyou for the Holy Spirit so that I can see Jesus.

"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come."
John 16:13

:/

It's one thing to live with someone you hate,

It's another when this person is yourself.

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7:24)

Anointed

Anoint: to dedicate to the service of God.

"Now this I know: The Lord gives victory to his anointed. 

He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary 

with the victorious power of his right hand. 

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, 

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. 

They are brought to their knees and fall, 

but we rise up and stand firm. 

Lord, give victory to the king!

 Answer us when we call! 

(Psalm 20:6-9 NIV)

Oh what a privilege, what a joy!

Prayer from 29th May 2014

God I'm sooooo discouraged, my heart is so incredibly broken, it aches, it hurts so much God. It is so empty that a small gust of wind chills it to the core. It's throbbing in agony father. Nothing works, nothing fills, in desperation I indulge in the tangible things of this world which only scrape the hole deeper. It hurts so much God. How can I continue any longer in my day, how can I study, how can I think and live and breathe and face this burdensome world when I am dying from thirst? From where else can I draw energy from, from where can I be filled with life instead of crushed by death?  “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68 NIV)

I come God. Have mercy, let your grace overflow in me. I can do nothing without you- I desire nothing besides you. No step is worth taking unless you are with me, fully and wholly. "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you." (Psalm 73:25 NIV)

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.
(Psalm 51:7)

*See corresponding previous post

Dear Wanderer-come home.

By default, I am a very very empty person.

Well I don't know if you can see that, in fact I'm pretty sure I spend more of my time seeming or thinking otherwise. I smile, I laugh, I can be full of energy. I do things I need to do and go about life as usual.

But I know that a lot of the time, when I stop and think, when I look into my heart, it is empty. When I think about my spirit, it is thirsty. You see, I am constantly searching for something to quench my emptiness, Facebook, friends, food, possessions, grades, approval, praise, sleep, being better, physical beauty. But after much searching, I am where I began-empty. If anything, more tired and frustrated and hurt in the process.

“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." 

(Jeremiah 2:13 NIV)

Yet I know that I have no need to keep thirsting, that I don't have to keep searching. Why? Because Jesus is living water, we can drink His presence and his goodness and we are well and truly satisfied.

"Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 

(John 4:13, 14 NIV)

 In Him our souls find rest and healing.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:28, 29 NIV)

In Him, we find life!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." 

(John 3:16 NIV)

So why am I still empty, if I have access to springs of living water? Why do I return to broken cisterns time and time again? Because I wrestle with the sin that lives in me, distracting me from the riches of God and turning my eyes and heart and mind to everything else-everything apart from the God who satisfies.

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

(Romans 7:21-25)

So as a Christian, I testify that whenever I do return to my Heavenly Father- as I am, broken and empty-I have known a deep and inexpressible joy unlike anything I've ever experienced. An overwhelming reality of Gods love for me-his daughter, a peace that transcends all understanding, and rest, finally. Rest for my weary, wandering soul.

And at the end of the day, I can say: "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:1-4 NIV)

If only I remembered to choose Jesus always! Return o soul to your shepherd, for He will comfort and guide you all the days of your life :)

*see corresponding prayer in the next post

Sacrifice?

If you were you were going to lose your memory,
And you could choose to remember one thing,
Or one person,
One thing only,
What or who would it be?

Today I felt that God was calling me to (internally) sacrifice, to give up, to surrender,
to let go of, to say goodbye to, the two people I love the most in this world.
I was filled with so much grief, I love them so so much.
So many happy memories, endearing moments...

Oh Lord, anything but them, 
They are so precious to me :(
My heart is breaking even at the thought of losing them

But -I must (for Gods spirit in me compels me)
And I will- choose,
Jesus.

Following Jesus will cost me my life, every last piece of it. 

But behold, it is the road of eternal life.

And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things 
and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests 
and the teachers of the law, and he must be killed 
and on the third day be raised to life.”

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple 
must deny themselves and take up their cross daily 
and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life 
will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me 
will save it. 
(Luke 9:22-24 NIV)

In other news...

Yay for bulk cooking! Broccoli pasta with basil and cherry tomatoes

 Ratatouille with herb steak

Cooking with roomie! Attempt @ Pad Thai

Prayer from 25 March 2014

God, I want to be your servant like Peter.

 I want to give up everything to follow you, 

God I want to go to the edges of the earth with you. 

I want to know and experience your Holy Spirit like I've never before 

I want your hand to pick me up and take anywhere you want to. 

I want to be your witness God , and I want to witness you. 

I want front row seats, I want to be at the frontline of the battle where you are. 

Sure, I have nothing and I'm weak. 

But God I've never needed to be qualified anyway. 

I want you to show your glory and power and love through me.

What that might look like I have no idea. 

But whether I'm a hobo, a quadriplegic, a deaf or mute, 

a doctor or missionary, a mum or wife or single, hungry or cold, 

I know that if you are with me, holding my hand, 

that's exactly where I want to be. 

Nowhere could be any better.

Falling in love again with the God of grace (Update 3)

Far out, God has been teaching me so many things, and opening my eyes to see, understand, experience and live with Him as Lord each day in ways that has just been indescribable. (And here I go, trying to describe things that I cannot...)

One of the major things that has really struck me (again) was the beauty of the gospel. Sure, when I became Christian I was cut to the heart, I could not comprehend why God would love a sinner like me, so much that He would send his only son Jesus to die on a cross for me, and now to be in a relationship with Him! But without knowing, this simple truth (aka. the gospel message) drifted from the centre of my attention. It was there, but only in the background, an underlying concept as I "moved on" to learn about other things from the bible.

But since moving here, God has opened my eyes to consider the gospel again-and not just consider, but to have it as a constant reality. And when you see the world, each day through the lens of the gospel, when you realise you are standing in God's abundant grace, everything changes.

Things become coloured in a whole new way. God's goodness is clear everywhere, your heart begins to overflow with thankfulness, you are filled with an urgency to share this message (a message of hope, love, peace and freedom) and you feel deeply and overwhelmingly loved.

I've also been reminded of Romans 8:15

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, 

so that you live in fear again; 

rather, the Spirit you received 

brought about your adoption to sonship. 

And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”

What is it like to cry out to God "Abba, Father" ?
It feels like you are a little child, and not in a demeaning, negative way. There is beautiful simplicity in being a child, you are weak, but you're not expected to be strong. You don't always know what's best, but you're not expected to. You make mistakes, you stumble and fall over, but that's okay. You are a child, and there is a heavenly Father who knows this and loves you anyway and will take care of you. I was telling God about all my worries (and trust me there are many), and at the end of it, I felt like He was simply saying this, leave it to me.  :) how comforting!

Other thoughts...

• God is a God of joy! Like a Father making faces to make His child laugh, God delights in our joy and laughter!
• What humility looks like: being the God of the universe, almighty and powerful, able to do anything at will, and choosing to die on a cross - to know us, to have a relationship with us, to adopt us into His family. So He can take care of us without any barriers (what the!)
• I was trying to convince God why I was unworthy of His love, and no matter what weaknesses I tried to use whether 'trivial' (eg. I'm always late for public transport) or non-trivial (pride, selfishness), I was met with the realisation that God's mercy is always deeper, and that I did not stand condemned. I was already adopted into God's home, the penalty has been paid, the debt dealt with. Nothing can change the fact that I'm his daughter now :)
• Though we fail, and fall short still, God is there to comfort us in our grief over our sinful nature

So in short-Brisbane has been an absolute blessing. It has opened up my time/eyes/opportunities to experience God more fully and to share that with others in ways I didn't realise I knew how.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ." Ephesians 1:3

24th March 2014

Writing out my prayers helps me communicate to God, but sometimes I'm on the train or something and I only have my phone. Scrolling through my "notes", I'm thinking I want to start posting up some of my prayers. Why? Although they're not addressed to you, I hope that somehow you might be encouraged, or that you can relate, or pray them with me as I pour out my heart to God. :) (keeping in mind that I am flawed and the way I view or relate to God is not perfect) these prayer-posts will have the date I wrote them as the title.

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God there are so many inexpressible and indescribable yearnings in my heart. God, so you're not content with my character at the moment. Well me either! God I am waiting. Cut off every branch in me that bears no fruit. Knock down my walls and break the roots of sin in me. God I am willing and wide open for you to work in my life. I want to be just like Jesus, I hate that I'm ineffective for you, I hate that I'm selfish and proud and afraid. I hate that I see with my eyes and not with my faith, that i don't honour and respect my parents, that I don't spread your gospel, that my heart is stone. That I compare myself to others and not Jesus. I hate my laziness and my lack of self control. I hate my idolatry and meaningless chasing of things of the world. I hate that I seek approval from others and not you. From men and not my God. God there are a million and 1 other things that I'm not even aware of. You know. You see, God take me and heal me. I'm waiting Father, I'm ready. And perhaps I don't fully realise what I'm asking, but I don't care. please answer my prayer.

Always, despite our weakness.

Dear God,

I love you, but only sometimes :(

Give thanks to the God of heaven. 

His love endures forever. 

(Psalm 136:26 NIV)

Humbled at your beautiful feet. (Update #2)

WOW. I don't really know how to express myself but I will try...

The past few days has been INCREDIBLE, AMAZING and SO ENCOURAGING! I think it started when I met up with a brother in Christ to discuss church-planting (starting up a new church) in Brisbane. Since, God has been opening my eyes day by day to see my time here in a whole new way. To see every person, every place and time here as an opportunity to share Jesus with others whether it's verbally or in the way I live/love.

In God's perfect timing, I was hit with the beautiful realisation that God has a purpose for me here-and this is it! To be the salt and light here in Brisbane. I guess I always "knew" this considering I felt God wanted me here, but until now I couldn't visualise exactly how or what that would look like.

(This photo is from a while ago but it suits ^^)

I think it looks a little like this: using my gifts to build up a local church, loving my uni friends, actually seeking opportunities to talk about the gospel, being bold in starting conversations and talking about God, studying faithfully --> just generally choosing to follow Jesus in every nook and cranny of my life. Not that this is what I do persay-but that this is what I'm meant to do.

And boy, realising that you are where you are meant to be, and ready to do what you are meant to do (with God's help) is a really wonderful feeling. Before I had been feeling a little confused and discouraged - unsure about why I'm here and feeling that the 'sacrifice' was all a bit meaningless. But no. haha.

I have always wanted to be a part of something bigger, beyond myself, and naturally as a Christian, this leads me to a desire to be involved with God's mission to the world-to reconcile people to Himself. and here I am! Watching God's plans unravel before my very eyes as He leads me to (sorry I'm going to get a little metaphorical here...) valleys and mountains and rivers that I would have never found myself if I had just stuck to my own path. Everything has so much purpose, so much intention because God is in control -He's the leader, I'm the follower :)

I AM AWARE THAT I AM RAMBLING AND I'M SORRY BUT NOT REALLY...I was never very good at structuring all my feelings and thoughts...

Just another note about sharing my faith, it was "mission week" @ UQ this week where there is a focus on sharing the good news of Jesus with uni students including a series of talks with topics such as "Why is there suffering?" "Why can't everyone go to heaven?"

I was SO AMAZED and EXCITED to see how many of my friends were keen/interested in coming along!! It made me realise that in sharing Jesus, the barrier for me was not in the other person, but in me. I think "oh-people won't be interested..." I am so timid in inviting-but why should I be? If it means I can share the greatest treasure in the universe? (God Himself)

I guess if I had to sum up everything: I am just humbled and amazed and so excited-that I (random, ordinary person) could be living a life with God (indescribable, loving Father) as my leader. Such a privilege, such a blessing, so much purpose and joy and peace...!

Oh-and I had 2 exams this week, (and another tomorrow) which went surprisingly well! I was so overwhelmed by God's goodness that I was feeling happy even before my exams :)

I have also discovered my passion for sharing food with others!
And thus I finish with a hectic relay of my adventures! (can't forget the food.)

Weekly Canto night (that morphed into asian night): Japanese Curry with Edamame

weekly asian night: vietnamese rice paper rolls

 Cooking 4 meals at once: minced beef with beans

Seems legit.

*Disclaimer: I do not eat this well everyday!! Please note that I selectively post up the highlights!